In October / November of 2014, I had flown into Arkansas to once again spend an extended time with my mother and father; something I had begun to do on a yearly basis, especially after my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers. They had left Arkansas as a young married couple, my sister and I in tow, and permanently moved to Northern California, where my dad spent his days as a logger, until he retired. A few years after retirement, the two of them, decided to pull up stakes once more unbeknownst to me , and return to Arkansas, back to where it all began, leaving behind my younger sister, and youngest brother, and a slew of relatives mostly on my mama’s side, in Red Bluff, California and the surrounding communities. It came as a total shock to me when upon calling them one day, the number so familiar to me as a kid growing up, and into adult hood, was disconnected! I panicked big time, started making calls, and finally my sister told me they had driven off into the ‘sunset’…(well, more or less). When I finally was able to talk to my mother, she said to me, “it’s our last BIG adventure!” Yes, Indeed, I just wish I’d been privy to it!

As stated above, I was visiting my folks, mama’s memory had slowly been fading, and though I knew it, nothing prepared me for what lay ahead. The year before, in 2013, I had a wonderful visit. I decided I would paint her kitchen all white, something she wanted for awhile, and feeling that time was of essence, I jumped into it with all my heart and soul! I just wanted to do whatever I could do to bring her joy and be close to her, as well as help support my dad. My main goal in going this time again, was to pour myself into loving and supporting my mother as well as my father, who was dealing with his own grief. It was in my heart to take photo’s and video’s, and to journal my time with mama, daddy and my other family and siblings when we were together. I am so glad that I did. These pictures, and videos are some of my most treasured possessions. I cherish these memories. I knew the inevitable would happen, that soon enough she would forget who I was, so I would hide my fears, and my tears as I hugged her, held her hand (she often would reach for my hand) and almost every night, I would sit on the edge of her bed, or lean over her and we would talk, and I then would pray with her before she went to sleep. That was 2013. Several months later, 2014, things changed.

Mama forgot who I was when I walked into the house. At first, she seemed to kind of know me, but I knew she was struggling the first night I was there; I was laying next to her in the bed, we talked and I was sharing some of our memories growing up. At one point she quietly said, “You’re Karen, aren’t you?” I said, “Yes, Mama. I’m Karen, your eldest daughter.” Oh, my heart. Oh, my heart. Oh, my sweet, sweet mama. To this day, that still brings tears to my eyes. I had fun ‘moments’ on this trip, but it was bittersweet, and my heart hurt. I had to stuff my pain and hide it as much as possible. I had to be strong. At the time, I posted on Facebook only the positive and left out the really hurtful experiences, mostly to protect my mother and my father, and to hide my pain: I was too vulnerable. I hurt for her, and for my dad, and our family. It was on this trip that I began to grieve the loss of my beautiful mother, the essence of who she was and had been. I saw glimpses here and there, of my mothers humor, and her fun spirit, including the time my husband came to pick me up. He stayed a week…and though she did not know him, and for the most part wasn’t sure who I was, she asked me with a twinkle in her eye, why didn’t I ‘tell’ her that I had gotten married? I said, “Mama, you were at the wedding.” I even showed her a picture. She still insisted I had not told her. She was chuckling, and I said, ‘Well, mama, I’ve been hiding him under the bed!” We both had a good laugh at that. Precious memories…how they linger ❤

This video, was made on my phone, my first attempt, and the lyrics of the song, ‘Love is Never Ending,’ spoke volumes to me about my folks, my mother, and father, and about the brevity of life, about God, and His love. When we said goodbye to mama in 2015, and the angels took her to heaven, it wasn’t the ending of a life of loving and giving. It was just the beginning for mama as she reached out for the Saviors hand, and for those of us who were left behind (for now), her legacy lives on in us, her children and grandchildren, as do her prayers. ❤

Love is Never Ending

Seasons come and seasons go
One day sun, the next day snow
Flowers die and flowers grow
But love is never-ending

You can’t kill it with goodbye
It always finds a place to hide
Inside your heart for your whole life
Love is never-ending

When the lights have all gone down
It’ll still be hangin’ ’round
Even when you think it’s lost, it can still be found
When every memory has been made
And the pages start to fade
And every prayer you ever prayed is heaven bound
When you think the ride is over
You’re back at the beginning
Oh, love is never-ending

When a man and a woman start growin’ old
The fire of passion may grow cold
But what they got still warms their soul
Love is never-ending

Time may change what you believe
But one day the truth will set you free
Just have faith and you will see
Love is never-ending.
Love is never-ending…